kenape i smbung master:
1. sbb i kalo bleh nk elak mengajar kat skolah sbb i kurg sabar. so untuk mengajar di poli, uni, maktab, its easier if i have the highest qualification. so i sambung master.
2. sbb i tak mungkin posting sehingga bulan 1 tahun depan (interview pun belum kene panggil lagi) so i might as well spend the whole 7 months studying, sbb i tetap akan sambung my master anyway. this way, i tak membazir masa. so i sambung master.
3. i practically spent half my age away from my parents. i masuk boarding school, then matrikulasi, then here i am, UPM. so i was used to doing things my way, doing what i want, whenever i want. n i dont want to lose that freedom, not yet. so i sambung master.
n that is our theme for this entry.
freedom.
bukan i tak syg parents i. i love them more than anything i know. i love them more than i love myself. i love being with them. i suke balik umah. even i jauh dpd umah, i will always find time to balik. even for 2 days, weekend. i sanggup penat2 dlm bus semata2 nk balik umah dn spend some time with my family. i sanggup balik umah penat2 untuk jenguk umah once in a while, semata2 untuk tlg my mom kemas the whole house sbb i know she did not have the time. i appreciate that my parents gave me the car, the money every month, n everything. i am sooo grateful. n i love my parents. i really, really, really do. i cannot imagine my life without them.
but i was so used of doing things my way. buat ape yg i nk buat, bile i nk buat. i bukan jenis yg kuar mlm every night. i am so a homey person. i lebih byk spend mase kat umah kalo i takde ape2 urusan pntg. i pnh tak kuar dpd umah for 3 days, smpi my housemate kate kalo die, die akan rase serabut sbb boring gile dok umah. tp i tak. i suke dok umah.
tp bile i nk kuar once in a while, bile i terase nk mkn kat kfc, bile i terase nk amek angin jalan2 kat luar, bile i terase nk pg jalan dkt shopping complex for nothing, i boleh buat. i tak perlu mintak izin sesiapa. ok, mungkin i akan btau khairul where am i going, dgn sape, tp tu sume i dh terbiasa buat. n he never said no. ok, mungkin kdg2 die kate tak boleh. tp as long as i kuar dgn kwn2 perempuan, kalo ade lelaki pun takpe asalkan bukan berdua, asalkan i tak pergi tempat pelik2, asalkan i tak balik lewat sgt, its ok with him. but the point is, i have the freedom. i was so used with the freedom.
dn bile balik umah, my parents' house i mean, i dun hv the freedom. ok. maybe i tak rase sgt, sbb i memg jarang dok rumah lame for one thing, dn salunye bile i balik, i takde kawan pun nk hang out. so mostly i akan spend my time kat umah je, helping my mom with the house chores n all that. no problem with me. i dah biasa kemas umah. i dh biasa mop lantai. i dh biasa cuci toilet. i dh biasa masak untuk adik2 i kalo my mom tak smpat balik untuk masak lunch (which usually, bile i ade kat umah, my mom memg tak balik lunch), i dh biasa jd despatch 4 my mom, untuk hantar all those dental cases to the clinics.
cume, bile i kat umah, i rase tak bebas. kalo i ade kat umah 2 bulan, 2 bulan la i di umah. literally inside the house. i tak pnh ade kwn2 yg ajak i kuar, bcz the only fren yg salu ajak i kuar bile i kat umah is amal, n she's rarely at home. i memg tak ramai kwn hang out. seriously. cume salunye, 2 bulan i kat umah, 2 bulan lah i tak jumpe khairul. n he gets that, die tau yg i memg susah nk kuar bile i dh kat umah.
dn oleh sbb i jarang kuar umah bile i kat umah, my mom selalunya takde mslh kalo i nk kuar pg mane2. as long as everything kat umah dh siap, umah dh kemas, laundry dh siap, dapur dh lap, my mom takde mslh nk lepaskan i kuar. tp around pontian only. i jrg sgt ke jb. dn i jrg kuar mlm, so usually by 7pm, i dh ade kat umah. dn bile kdg2 i n adik kuar mlm pun, sbb pg beli kfc (take away) n pg pasar mlm. that's it. memg life i sgt dull.
n i tau, the longer i stay at home, the higher the possibility for me to have those misunderstanding moments with my mom. ntahlah. lagi lame i kat umah, lagi sensitif my mom jdnya. everything pun seems wrong to her. mungkin sbb my mom tension dgn kerja, so since im at home, so she sorts of lepaskan kat i. kdg2 bukan marah pun, cume terlepas. i fhm. i know she's tired and all that. i get that. that's why la, i seboleh2 nye cube nk elak those misunderstanding. by staying at home for not too long. long enuf for me to lepaskan all the rindu, tp not so long for those moments to be triggered. i love my mom, i know she'd done her best for the family. for me. i know she'd gave me everything she can. that's why i dont want to hv those moments with her. i guess, daughters are made to be away from their moms. mungkin sbb kite dh besar, dh ade kehendak sendiri, dh ade care berfikir sendiri.
dn untuk amal, ain dn sesiapa yg mengalami masalah ini, bersabarlah. if u cant take it anymore, try to get away from home. tp secara berhemah. secara lembut. secara yg tidak boleh membuatkan mak ayah terluka. kerana kite, the daughters, are still their responsibilities. bcz no matter how old are we, we will always be their child. their children. kerana pd mata diorg, kite tak pernah membesar. kite masih perlu dilindungi. bcz they still cannot trust us, n they never will. bcz they love us. n we love them too. dn kerana syurga itu tetap di bwh tapak kaki ibu.
or u can further ur studies, like i did.
=)
