off bleeding and stressed.
my bleeding is getting worse. it has been 11 months since i got married and my period is still not regular.
and it makes me even more stressed out. oh wait, stressed makes me bleeds more. damn.
its heavy. its making me sick. its making me stressed.
what is wrong with me???
Ya Allah! Tuhan manusia, yang menghilangkan kesusahan, sembuhkanlah, Engkaulah yang menyembuhkan. Tidak ada yang menyembuhkan selain Engkau, penyembuhan yang tiada meninggalkan sebarang penyakit.
Amin.
scared.
if u think a problem is a problem then it'll become a problem. if u think a problem is a challenge, ure gonna figure out some ways to overcome it.
that's what my lecturer said the other day and it got me thinking.
with all the problems that are coming continuously towards me one after another, all i want to do is just to curl up in my bed, cry it all out and let the tears wash them away. but when i think back, all these problems are caused by me. my improper planning. my ignorance. if only i plan, i think, i care, these things will not turn out to be like this.
but its all i can do. its all we can do. saying if-onlys. because that's what we do when we want to comfort ourselves. when we want to believe that somehow, we are not the one to blame, when indeed, it's all on us.
oh my. how i wish i do things differently.
and now im stuck here, trying to figure out ways to solve everything, when i actually haven't find any.
ya Allah, help me.....im scared.....
torn.
hari ni ada taklimat pukul 2.30 petang.
ada kelas pukul 4.00 petang.
hari khamis ada meeting audit pukul 2.00 petang.
ada kelas pukul 4.00 petang.
kalau pasir gudang tak jem memang la cepat boleh sampai.
tapi dekat highway tebrau je boleh stuck sampai 15 minit.
minggu pertama dah lewat pg kelas.
T_________T
ganjil?
“
-Gadis melayu berniqab, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu menutup aurat sepenuhnya, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu melabuhkan tudung menutupi dada mereka, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu mengenakan pakaian longgar dan besar, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu malu untuk keluar bersama bukan mahram, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu pakai stoking kaki ke mana-mana walau mandi bersama kawan-kawan di laut, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu pakai stoking tangan walau dah mengenakan t-shirt lengan panjang, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu meninggalkan orang yang sedang gosip dan mengata orang lain walaupun yang sedang mengata itu kawan baiknya, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tidak mengenakan mekap berlebihan, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tidak memakai perfume kecuali sekadar sangat sedikit dan tidak terhidu orang lain, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tak ‘couple’ sebelum nikah, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tak materialistik dan memilih kehidupan untuk taat kepada agama, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu ganjil?
Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w: “Islam bermula sebagai sesuatu yang dianggap asing dan ganjil. Dan ia akan kembali sebagaimana permulaannya, dianggap asing dan ganjil. Maka, beruntunglah orang-orang yang ganjil”
(H.R. Muslim)
”
SOURCE
-Gadis melayu berniqab, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu menutup aurat sepenuhnya, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu melabuhkan tudung menutupi dada mereka, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu mengenakan pakaian longgar dan besar, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu malu untuk keluar bersama bukan mahram, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu pakai stoking kaki ke mana-mana walau mandi bersama kawan-kawan di laut, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu pakai stoking tangan walau dah mengenakan t-shirt lengan panjang, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu meninggalkan orang yang sedang gosip dan mengata orang lain walaupun yang sedang mengata itu kawan baiknya, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tidak mengenakan mekap berlebihan, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tidak memakai perfume kecuali sekadar sangat sedikit dan tidak terhidu orang lain, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tak ‘couple’ sebelum nikah, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tak materialistik dan memilih kehidupan untuk taat kepada agama, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu ganjil?
Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w: “Islam bermula sebagai sesuatu yang dianggap asing dan ganjil. Dan ia akan kembali sebagaimana permulaannya, dianggap asing dan ganjil. Maka, beruntunglah orang-orang yang ganjil”
(H.R. Muslim)
”
SOURCE
boring.
new semester started yesterday. so was my first class. epistemology, social and ethical issues in science and technology. sounds scary? it is more to BOOORINNGGG actually. can u imagine enduring 3 hours of philosophical lectures? a brief explanation and discussion of how one scientifc concept is found or invented and how does it evolves? yes i know, boring. i was yawning for 200 times (okay that, im exaggerating ^^ but you get the idea) for that long 3 hours. can't wait to get past epistemology to go to the social applications and ethical issues. much more fun, i hope.
im taking 10 credit hours this sem, or 3 subjects. that boring subject i told you just now, another theoritical subject today (learning theory in physics) and statistics. i really look forward to statistics class on thursday. for today, i just pray hard that it wont get any more boring than yesterday's class. huhu.
got english class with 3e later. really need the emotional strength and patience. T____T
random: did you notice my style of writing changed dramatically (nak jugak guna drama) since my first entry? now i am more serious, no fun, depressed, stressed, dull, that sort of things. i used to be bubbly, you know. fresh, energetic, u can see from my style of writing. now im still a fresh, not so energetic (huahuahua) and bubbly person, but im too stressed to be bubbly all the time. hehe.
tentang syurga
syurga isteri di bawah tapak kaki suami.
betul ke?
saya rasa tak.
pada saya,
syurga isteri adalah suami.
kerana bila saya tengok dia tersenyum, saya bahagia.
kerana bila saya lihat dia berjaya, saya bangga.
because i feel safe when im with him.
kerana dia adalah kebahagiaan saya.
kerana dia adalah kebanggaan saya.
dan kerana dia adalah syurga saya.
terlajak.
sekarang ada projek. bayar hutang pada en. hairuden sebenarnya. oh. en. hairuden tu penolong kanan hem. awal tahun hari tu, yours truly dapat arahan untuk mengemaskini website sekolah.
tapi masalahnya, takde masa untuk itu. sebab, setiap kali terlalu engaged dalam kerja-kerja kreatif komputer, mesti terbawak2 sampai terlajak.
dulu masa buat undergraduate punya final project, stay up sampai pukul 5 pagi nak develop courseware.
masa amek subjek programming, tak bergerak daripada meja sampai la coding selesai.
macam tu jugak masa develop courseware untuk master.
sekarang arahan datang masa betul2 tengah sibuk. mana la boleh tido lewat sekarang. pukul 6 pagi dah nak kena bangun untuk bersiap pergi kerja. petang ada kelas master. mana nak jadi isteri. mana nak jadi cikgu. mana nak jadi pelajar. mana nak jadi guru kelas. mana nak jadi setiausaha peperiksaan dalaman.
jadi naturally, arahan tinggal arahan. kesian en. hairuden.
sekarang website sekolah dah di-divert-kan pada blog rasmi sekolah.
tapi saya rasa berhutang dengan en. hairuden. berhutang tugas.
jadi saya cari platform yang paling mudah untuk bina web, supaya bila saya takde nanti, senang orang lain ambil alih. platform website sekarang susah, malas saya nak explore. lebih mudah untuk saya mula daripada scratch.
maka saya pun memulakan projek ini.
tapi tulah. terbawak2 sampai terlajak.
nasib baik sekarang suami tengok bola. jadi ada la peneman.
oh. sekarang pukul 2.10 pagi. saya lebih selesa buat kerja kreatif pada waktu malam. idea lebih laju.
sebab tu saya kata takde masa untuk website sekolah.
maafkan saya en. hairuden. saya akan sedaya upaya siapkan sebelum cuti sekolah akhir tahun.
berusaha yuhaniz.
saya nak yang ni.
tapi saya baru beli fon.
dan harganya sangat mahal juga.
lebih mahal dari fon sekarang.
tapi saya suka.
takpelah.
lagi 3 tahun boleh beli. *kenapa 3 tahun? sendiri musykil.
sekarang berangan je lah.
*ke ada orang nak belikan untuk saya?
hee.
assalamualaikum.
*pic credit to google*
some thoughts.
going through all my blog entries again, i realize that i blogged more in 2009 than in 2008, 2010 and 2011 put together.
perlu lebih gigih ya yuhaniz.
assalamualaikum.
suddenly...
i dont feel interested in teaching anymore. everyday is just another day to me. i prefer my s/u peperiksaan thingy more than my teaching thingy.
and i know, this is not because i lost interest in teaching. i love teaching.
this is because my heart cant take it anymore. my mind cant take this anymore.
teaching language.
i dont feel challenged. my days are dull. im not really good in english, but english is something that i dont have to study to be able to teach. and i was born a student. i love studying. i love staying up until 3am, solving complicated physics questions and answering hard mathematical problems. i love finding the easiest way to explain a hard physics concept to students so that they will understand it easier.
i miss calculations.
and im bored. to the point that i make the effort to fill in jobstreets to find some other jobs.
i cant take this anymore. ive been trying for almost two years now. but im a science person. im a fact person. im not a language person.
ya Allah, help me out...........
So how much does a miracle cost?
A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door. She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!
"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. "I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question.
"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."
''I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.
"His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"
"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.
"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough,I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."
The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"
"I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. "I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."
"How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.
"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly. And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."
"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents --- the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "
He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said, "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well. Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.
"That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"
Tess smiled.. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents ..... plus the faith of a little child..
I will watch over you.
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about
And blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out eulogies,
For death was in the air.
A mother, trapped inside her car,
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
Oh, God, please spare my boys!"
She fought to loose her pinned hands;
She struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused
On where the back seat once had been,
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
She did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
Oh, God, don't let them die!"
Then firemen came and cut her loose,
But when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys,
But the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad
And was travelling alone,
But when they turned to question her,
They discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication,
Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
Their jeans are blue to match."
One cop spoke up, "They're in my car,
And they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there
And gave them each a cone,
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.
I've searched the area high and low,
But I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene,
I guess, and that is very bad."
The mother hugged the twins and said,
While wiping at a tear,
He could not flee the scene, you see,
For he's been dead a year."
The cop just looked confused and asked,
Now, how can that be true?"
The boys said, "Mommy, Daddy came
And left a kiss for you."
He told us not to worry
And that you would be all right,
And then he put us in this car with
The pretty, flashing light.
We wanted him to stay with us,
Because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
And said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand
And told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you, Mommy,
He's watching over us."
The mother knew without a doubt.
That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words,
I will watch over you."
The firemen's notes could not explain
The twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.
But on the cop's report was scribed,
In print so very fine,
An angel walked the beat tonight
on Hwy. 109
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about
And blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out eulogies,
For death was in the air.
A mother, trapped inside her car,
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
Oh, God, please spare my boys!"
She fought to loose her pinned hands;
She struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused
On where the back seat once had been,
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
She did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
Oh, God, don't let them die!"
Then firemen came and cut her loose,
But when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys,
But the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad
And was travelling alone,
But when they turned to question her,
They discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication,
Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
Their jeans are blue to match."
One cop spoke up, "They're in my car,
And they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there
And gave them each a cone,
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.
I've searched the area high and low,
But I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene,
I guess, and that is very bad."
The mother hugged the twins and said,
While wiping at a tear,
He could not flee the scene, you see,
For he's been dead a year."
The cop just looked confused and asked,
Now, how can that be true?"
The boys said, "Mommy, Daddy came
And left a kiss for you."
He told us not to worry
And that you would be all right,
And then he put us in this car with
The pretty, flashing light.
We wanted him to stay with us,
Because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
And said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand
And told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you, Mommy,
He's watching over us."
The mother knew without a doubt.
That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words,
I will watch over you."
The firemen's notes could not explain
The twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.
But on the cop's report was scribed,
In print so very fine,
An angel walked the beat tonight
on Hwy. 109
...
tiba-tiba rasa sangat rindu pada maktok tak sedar air mata mengalir.
maktok. anis rindu.
semoga maktok aman di sana.
alfatihah.
entry makanan di bulan puasa.
assalamualaikum.
setelah sekian lama tak update, hari ni nak tulis pasal makanan.
boleh dikatakan sepanjang puasa hampir hari-hari masak untuk buka puasa. sebab rasa macam tak lalu nak makan makanan yang beli kat bazar, plus boyfren pun lebih prefer makan masakan rumah. macam-macam menu dah rasanya, tapi memang confirm2 la yang simple, mana la kita pandai masak nasi beriyani bagai kan. tapi cuma 3 gambar ni je yang sempat diambil, sebab selalunya siap masak dah pukul 7.00 lepas tu sibuk nak hidang nak mandi nak buka memang tak sempat la nak ambil gambar. so there you go.
ini oreo cheesecake. buat hari sabtu lepas dgn my sister in law. boleh la. rase la cheese cake. untuk first attempt, boyfren kita bagi 75%. hehe.
ini lauk berbuka semalam. ayam masak lemak cili api ( boyfren request dpd hari jumaat hari tu), bendi goreng cili api, dengan sambal telur puyuh. terus sampai ke sahur. malas masak banyak kali.
yang ni bila punya ntah hari tu. dalam minggu lepas la. saja gatal nak buka puasa western. jadik la jugak.... chicken chop dgn black pepper sauce, with chips, coleslaw and scrambled eggs. scrambled eggs tu takde dalam plan pun, sebenarnya lebihan celup ayam sebelum goreng tu. sayang nak buang. buat la scrambled eggs.
hari ni tatau nak masak apa.
okeh tu je. sekian.
adilkah kita?
assalamualaikum.
apa itu adil? ok fine, kalo dari segi bahasa, adil memang bererti sama rata. tidak berat sebelah. tapi betul ke sama rata tu adil?
for example, 3 org adik beradik. 6 biji epal. A tak suka epal. B sakit perut kalo makan epal. C pulak memang hantu epal. adilkah kita kalau kita bagi epal 2 biji seorang, knowing that only C will eat both apples, A memang takkan makan langsung, B masuk hospital lepas makan epal. adilkah kita?
ataupun kita dah berlaku zalim dengan memudaratkan B dan tidak mengambil kira kesukaan A?
sebab tu, dalam Islam, adil itu bermaksud meletakkan sesuatu pada tempatnya. maksudnya, kalau A suka anggur, B suka oren, C suka epal, kita berikan mereka buah kegemaran mereka. 2 biji seorang. itu lebih adil berbanding membelikan semua epal dan end up cuma seorang yang makan. so much for fair and equality.
sama jugak konsep dengan sekolah. pelajar. saya tetap rasa untuk berlaku adil, kita tidak melayan murid secara sama rata. pelajar yang baik takkan kita nak marah sama dengan pelajar yang biadap kan? tu dah berlaku zalim, which by definition, is a complete opposite of adil. pelajar yang perlukan perhatian lebih dgn pelajar yang dah pandai, kan berbeza perhatian kita? itu tak bermaksud kita tak adil. malah itu lebih adil lagi berbanding perhatian yang sama rata menyebabkan kita menzalimi pelajar yang kurang pandai tadi.
kerja. memang nampak tak adil bila kita nampak asyik kita yang buat buku program (sebagai contoh sahaja. im totally fine with that. its what i love to do). orang lain rileks je buat persiapan tempat, uruskan pelajar. tapi tanpa kita sedari, mungkin asyik kita buat buku program because we're good at that. orang lain buat teks ucapan because they're good at that. cuba bagi saya buat teks ucapan. memang lah akan memalukan diri sendiri dengan ke'loser'an penguasaan bahasa melayu saya. kan dah zalim namanya. but im good with publisher. so its only fair la kan bila kita diberi tugas yang kita boleh buat.
jadi kesimpulannya kat sini, janganlah asyik compare je dengan org lain. memang lah kita tak akan bersyukur. kata orang tu tak adil, orang ni tak adil. padahal orang tu dan prang ni dah berusaha bagi tugasan seadil-adilnya. cikgu tu dan cikgu ni dah berusaha bagi perhatian seadil-adilnya.
bukankah adil itu bermaksud meletakkan sesuatu pada tempatnya?
salam ramadhan. =)
syukur.
He gave me you for a reason.
a lot, really.
and i really should be thankful for that.
and for so many other things He gave me.
many.
many.
many.
many.
many.
i feel so small.
alhamdulillah.
@ work.
1. printer canon 3-in-1. selain memprint (is that even a word??), tugas utamanya juga adalah memfotostat kertas soalan secara emergency apabila kertas soalan hilang tak dapat dikesan 15 minit sebelum exam bermula T_____T
2. laptop kesayangan kecintaan kebucukan.
3. lunch. milo + weetameal. untuk bekalan sebelum ke meeting pukul 2.45 nanti.
4. koleksi teacher's stamp and my name's stamps. calculator (td kira markah latihtubi). stapler (tatau kenapa terkeluar dpd pencilcase). pen merah (sbb tengah menanda buku kerja).
5. rak untuk meletak buku2 latihan pelajar yang dah tak muat dok atas meja.
6. pencilcase bagak. bagak bererti besar. ada lagi satu pencilcase lagi superbagak bawak ke kelas (tiada dlm gambar)
7. buku latihan + buku rekod. baru balik dari kelas belum sempat letak balik semua buku kat rak.
8. buku yang belum ditanda.
9. buku yang sedang ditanda.
10. buku yang telah ditanda.
11. folder keputusan pelajar (yang sepatutnya sudah dihantar ke bilik kaunseling tapi ntah bila nak hantar tataula)
12. handbag buruk dah koyak tertetas hukum wajib beli handbag baru.
13. air kosong. sebagai cikgu harus banyak minum air kosong ye adik2.
ni masa kemas la ni. selalunya kalau nak balik kita memang biar atas meja kosong. tapi sbb sekarang ni banyak sangat buku nak ditanda (pemantauan @__@) maka meja akan terbiar begini selama berminggu-minggu.
oklah nak habeskan lunch siapkan tanda buku pastu nak masuk meeting.
assalamualaikum.
ps: sambil tengok harry potter sebenarnya wawawawawa~
rindu.
4 things that i miss the most:
1. ikea fish and chips. sodap.
2. ikea meatball 10 pieces. of kos la sume org tau sedap kan.
3. ikea coffee. sukatan yang sedap: 2 1/2 sugar, 2 creamer. 5 kali refill okeh (2 org minum la). tips: beli satu jek. boleh refill ikot suka. yang penting kene parking dekat dgn stesen air. heh. jimat.
4. and of kos la my darling Hubs <3 <3 <3
saya depressed.
sape kate lipat baju tak depressing?
being born with an aunt who has a laundry, ive grown to be a particular fussy nyonya when it comes to cloth folding. tapi sikap perfectionist itu adalah tidak relevan apabila baju yang perlu dilipat adalah hasil dari 4 trip basuhan T_______T tapi dah jadi habit kan, jadi kita sangat lah lambat bila melipat baju. pastu bila hubby nak tolong kita mesti hep-hep-jangan-kaco-abang-lipat-tak-cantik lalu hubby pun bawa diri pergi main football manager.
pukul 8.30 start, pukul 11 baru siap.
tensen tensen. i hate hate hate sungguh la melipat baju ni *padahal baju aku la yang paling banyak kat situ*
ok ciau esok sekolah.
entry penat.
today is tuesday.
the second day of the week.
yet i feel super exhausted already................
and we're working until saturday this week.
maaaakkkk.....tamo jadi cikgu dah....penaaat....... =(
hep hep. sabar. ikhlas. redha.
baru dapat pahala. kerja awak tu mulia.
result sem 1.
alhamdulillah.....syukur ya Allah..
kita betul2 ingatkan dapat cukup2 makan jek tau kali ni. memang susah sangat bekerja sambil belajar. bila ada program kat sekolah, kene ponteng kelas. siapkan assignment sampai tak tido malam. ok tipu, tido malam macam biasa jek, tapi setiap kali nak hantar assignment memang kalut la nak menyiapkan. dengan seminggu 3 kali ulang-alik utm. alhamdulillah la walaupun result tak la setinggi mana (dengan satu subjek dpt B- cukup2 makan sobsob), masih lagi result yang strong. semoga semester depan dapat result yang lebih baik lagi.
assalamualaikum.
that should be me..
Everybody's laughing in my mind,
Rumors spreading 'bout this other guy,
Do you do what you did when you did with me?
Does he love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans that you made with me?
'cause baby I didn't...
That should be me holding your hand,
That should be me making you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
Rumors spreading 'bout this other guy,
Do you do what you did when you did with me?
Does he love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans that you made with me?
'cause baby I didn't...
That should be me holding your hand,
That should be me making you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me..
That should be me feeling your kiss,
That should be me buying you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that that should be me
That should be me..
You said you needed a little time for my mistakes,
It's funny how you used that time to have me replaced,
Did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies
What are you doing to me,
You're takin' him where we used to go,
Now if you're trying to break my heart,
It's working 'cause you know that...
That should be me holding your hand,
That should be me making you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me...
That should be me buying you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that that should be me
That should be me..
You said you needed a little time for my mistakes,
It's funny how you used that time to have me replaced,
Did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies
What are you doing to me,
You're takin' him where we used to go,
Now if you're trying to break my heart,
It's working 'cause you know that...
That should be me holding your hand,
That should be me making you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me...
That should be me...
That should be me feeling your kiss,
That should be me buying you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that that should be me
I need to know should I fight
For our love for this long
It's getting harder to shield this pain in my heart...
That should be me giving you flowers
That should be me talking by hours
Never should've let you go..
I never should've let you go..
That should be me.. <3
Never should've let you go..
That should be me....
That should be me buying you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that that should be me
I need to know should I fight
For our love for this long
It's getting harder to shield this pain in my heart...
That should be me giving you flowers
That should be me talking by hours
Never should've let you go..
I never should've let you go..
That should be me.. <3
Never should've let you go..
That should be me....
pain.
2.55 pm
23th of june 2011.
stomach problem again. i think there must be some problems with my kidneys because that area feels so uncomfortable.
by calculations, there's no way im pregnant. but my period is not regular so, i don't know. ive tested with upt a week ago, though. and the result was kinda screaming to me. the negative line was so clear so im pretty sure im not carrying a human being inside me.
so i think this is gastric all over again. with all the vomitting, the weakness, the oversleeping, the fatigue. ive been through this a few times before. the symptoms are all the same. but the location of the pain is different.
i feel full, you know. like all the time.
its like period cramp. same place, same feel. wrong time.
what on earth is happening to me?
going home now. i dont want to throw up at school. there'll be so many speculation and i hate answering those questions.
ciao.
melalut pagi-pagi buta.
assalamualaikum.
hari ni kita pergi sekolah drive sendiri, setelah sekian lama dihantar dan diambil oleh boss (note: boss ye bukan driver). sebab semalam kita pg beli 2 carton 7 up revive untuk hari sukan ni. bukan untuk cikgu, untuk atlit. jadi hari ni kena la drive sendiri sebab susah pulak lah nak angkat2 air gedabak berat nak mam tu pagi2 kan. lagipun hubby kata jangan angkat sendiri. dia sekarang ni langsung tak bagi kita angkat benda berat. tak kasi penat2. memang la kadang2 tu rasa berbunga2 (kembang hidung jap) tapi sebab kita dah biasa buat semua sendiri tiba-tiba kena tunggu dia untuk angkat barang semua kadang2 adalah sedikit melecehkan. tapi takpela. tu maksudnya dia sayang kan. heh. nanti nak kerah budak badan besar2 soh pi angkat air gedabak tu masuk bilik guru.
pagi ni breakfast kek coklat dengan air kopi. tiba-tiba hubby request air kopi pulak. hari-hari kita buat air teh jek sebab senang kan. kopi nak kena tapis2 semua. air teh ha campak je la teabag tu dengan gula 2 sudu pastu tuang air panas. siap. ha. kalau korang datang rumah kita orang kan memang la minum teh tawar sebab kita orang memang bukan hard core air manis. manis-manis buah je kan. pastu hubby kita senang jek breakfast dia. bagi la dia cornflakes dengan susu. pastu buat air panas satu jag. dia makan cornflakes dengan kita sebelum kita pi skolah pastu dia minum air panas sebelum dia pi lab. senang je. cuma kalau weekend yang kita tak berkejar nak pi sekolah, kita masak la nasi goreng ke mee goreng ke jemput-jemput ke kan.
hari ni bangun pukul 6.20. ok hari-hari pun bangun pukul 6.20. belum ada anak lagi boleh la kan. nanti kejap lagi kalau ada anak memang selamat la kalau bangun lambat tak pi sekolah la. takpe. enjoy la bangun lambat selagi ada masa. hubby pun tak bising. kalau weekend tu memang selamat la kita bangun lagi lambat dari dia. hehe.
okay dah habes melalut. nanti kalau free kita sambung lagi. sekarang nak masuk 5st1 dgn 5st2 relief pj. apa la den nak buek ni. haih.
assalamualaikum.
kira hari.
tak sabar tunggu weekend sebab:
1. nak kemas rumah yang sikit lagi dah rupa kapal karam.
2. nak lipat baju yang timbun2 cam gunung.
assalamualaikum.
tiba-tiba.
1. suka pulak tengok background putih terang benderang ni. terbeliak mata tengok.
2. now its 11.05 pm and i just woke up from a 2-hour-sleep. pastilah susah nak tido lepas ni.
3. on my third day for 14-day-nestle bliss challenge.
4. esok tak masuk sekolah. kena pg PPD untuk pengumpulan data SAP. hopefully habes awal. boleh balik awal.
5. teringin makan pavlova.
6. both of us sekarang sakit tekak, selesema, batuk. sindrom balik dari redang.
7. deep inside dalam hati......... takpelah.
kadang-kadang kita terfikir.
lately memang takde banyak post. selalu dah type halfway pastu lupa apa nak tulis.
tadi pukul 8 mcm biasala hubby tengok berita. since kawen ni kita memang terjebak la tengok berita sekali sbb hubby memang tiap2 hari tengok. jadi up to date la kita sekarang ni dengan current issues.
tapi bukan berita hari ni yang kita nak cerita sangat.
lepas tengok situasi negara, from all aspects la kan, kita terfikir beberapa perkara. *cewah macam serius jek bunyik padahal sebelum ni ignorance gila kan*
1. kadang2 kita rasa TV3 ni macam ada sikit berat sebelah, bias la. fine la kalo nak support kerajaan ke apa kan, tapi rasa macam teruk betul the other side tu kena. saja je siarkan berita yang buat orang2 sume rasa macam the other side tu loser la defensive la sume kan. my cousin kata bagus kalo ada tv untuk the other side tu. so that rakyat boleh dengar dua2 side kan.
2. kita rasa pelik dengan orang yang komplen subsidi kurang tapi malas bayar cukai. tatau ke subsidi tu nak kena pakai banyak duit? contohnya baru2 ni kan tariff elektrik naik kan. sebelum ni murah jek kot. tah la. tapi kalo ikot gross calculation kita yang add maths hancus ni kan, kalo la orang macam kitorg ni, elektrik sebulan rm15, free jek kan tak payah bayar. kalo ada 1 juta keluarga macam kitorang, tak ke dah rm15 juta kerajaan bayarkan? sebulan. kalo 2 bulan? setahun? tu baru elektrik. nak maintain negara memang susah. kita memang tak berapa faham la benda macam ni, tapi kalo ikot logik, tiap2 bulan belanja rm15 juta bayar bil elektrik rakyat, tauke balak pon boleh bankrap woh.
jadi kesimpulannya, kita bersyukurlah dengan apa yang ada. kalau kita asyik comparekan dengan orang yang lebih senang dari kita, negara yang harga minyak lebih murah dari kita, sampai bila kita nak bersyukur? cuba kita tengok singapore je la for example kan, negara kecik cenonet jek, tapi cost of living antara sepuluh yang tertinggi kat dunia. indonesia for example, ada masyarakat majmuk jugak macam kita, tapi some parts of it tak aman, bergaduh sesama sendiri, rakyat miskin terlampau bersepah2. cuba compare sume tu dengan negara kita. barulah kita boleh bersyukur dengan anugerah Tuhan yang tak ternilai ni.
teringat kata2 sape tah kat berita semalam. kalo nak hantar memorandum tak payah la buat demonstrasi. perhimpunan haram. buat je appointment dengan istana. ha. kan senang. aman damai. hidup fikir benda susah2 buat apa. *okay yang last tu kita tambah sendiri*
tapi im neither here nor there la kan, kita tak pernah mengundi pon, masa last time election tu belum cukup umur. ni pandangan peribadi kita je. takde niat pun nak kutuk sape2 ke ape2 kan. *tapi sekarang dah daftar mengundi okay, cukup umur je terus daftar.a good citizen i am*
sekian. assalamualaikum.
a mixture of feelings.
hurt. frustrated. sad. happy. satisfied. tired. hopeful.
truthfully, i am happy. i am. really. but somehow, deep inside, it kinda hurts.
and quite honestly, i dont know why it hurts a lot. because it should not. it cant hurt like this. it is not supposed to hurt like this.
but it did. and still does.
and it, this feeling, sucks.
*dont mind me. this is the hormones talking.
somehow.
Kosong hidupku tanpamu
Cermin ku membayang bayanganmu
Pameran kasih ku layu
Tiada dirimu tiada untukku
Tinggalkan ku dalam anganmu
Sakitku mencintaimu
Deritaku merinduimu
Lemah hati menginginkanmu
Kau hilang terus kau menyepi
Tewasku bila ku ketahui
Berita kau sudah berpunya
Hancur hatiku
Berkeping-keping jadinya
Hilangku bukan kerana cinta
Hilangku bukan untuk menyeksa
Bagiku semua tiada berharga
Biarku telan semua derita
Pergilah kau pergi dariku
Biarku ku jalani hidup tanpamu
Tiada cinta dan kasihmu
Meski hati merelai
Mati hariku di kotak sepi
Di situ kau mula mahu mengenalinya
Langkahku songsang telah ku sedari
Semula ku hias kau jauh dah pergi
Putus komunikasi kau elakkan diri
Ku mencari jalan kembali kau mahu terus pergi
Ku ingatkan kau memori kau tutupkan telinga
Nyata tiada kita tiada jalan penyambungnya
Ya Allah maha pemurah dan maha pencipta
Terima kasih atas pertemuan antara aku dan dia
Jika nyata bukan dia pemilik tulang rusukku
Kikiskanlah pesonanya dari kedua mata
Dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangan yang ada
Bahagiakanlah mereka berdua ku doakannya
PadaMu ku pohon sucikan hatiku
Sehinga dapat melaksana kehendak dan rencanaMu
Amin
*tiba-tiba rasa touching pulak dgr lagu ni.
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