off bleeding and stressed.

my bleeding is getting worse. it has been 11 months since i got married and my period is still not regular.

and it makes me even more stressed out. oh wait, stressed makes me bleeds more. damn.

its heavy. its making me sick. its making me stressed.

what is wrong with me???

Ya Allah! Tuhan manusia, yang menghilangkan kesusahan, sembuhkanlah, Engkaulah yang menyembuhkan. Tidak ada yang menyembuhkan selain Engkau, penyembuhan yang tiada meninggalkan sebarang penyakit.

Amin.

wordless wednesday.

pic courtesy of google

freaky friday.

ku bawa hati jauh berlari..

tak bermaksud diri mu aku benci...

scared.

if u think a problem is a problem then it'll become a problem. if u think a problem is a challenge, ure gonna figure out some ways to overcome it.

that's what my lecturer said the other day and it got me thinking.

with all the problems that are coming continuously towards me one after another, all i want to do is just to curl up in my bed, cry it all out and let the tears wash them away. but when i think back, all these problems are caused by me. my improper planning. my ignorance. if only i plan, i think, i care, these things will not turn out to be like this.

but its all i can do. its all we can do. saying if-onlys. because that's what we do when we want to comfort ourselves. when we want to believe that somehow, we are not the one to blame, when indeed, it's all on us.

oh my. how i wish i do things differently.

and now im stuck here, trying to figure out ways to solve everything, when i actually haven't find any.

ya Allah, help me.....im scared.....

.

saya risau.

torn.

hari ni ada taklimat pukul 2.30 petang.

ada kelas pukul 4.00 petang.

hari khamis ada meeting audit pukul 2.00 petang.

ada kelas pukul 4.00 petang.

kalau pasir gudang tak jem memang la cepat boleh sampai.

tapi dekat highway tebrau je boleh stuck sampai 15 minit.

minggu pertama dah lewat pg kelas.

T_________T

ganjil?

“
-Gadis melayu berniqab, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu menutup aurat sepenuhnya, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu melabuhkan tudung menutupi dada mereka, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu mengenakan pakaian longgar dan besar, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu malu untuk keluar bersama bukan mahram, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu pakai stoking kaki ke mana-mana walau mandi bersama kawan-kawan di laut, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu pakai stoking tangan walau dah mengenakan t-shirt lengan panjang, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu meninggalkan orang yang sedang gosip dan mengata orang lain walaupun yang sedang mengata itu kawan baiknya, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tidak mengenakan mekap berlebihan, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tidak memakai perfume kecuali sekadar sangat sedikit dan tidak terhidu orang lain, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tak ‘couple’ sebelum nikah, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tak materialistik dan memilih kehidupan untuk taat kepada agama, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu ganjil?

Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w: “Islam bermula sebagai sesuatu yang dianggap asing dan ganjil. Dan ia akan kembali sebagaimana permulaannya, dianggap asing dan ganjil. Maka, beruntunglah orang-orang yang ganjil”
(H.R. Muslim)
”

SOURCE

boring.

new semester started yesterday. so was my first class. epistemology, social and ethical issues in science and technology. sounds scary? it is more to BOOORINNGGG actually. can u imagine enduring 3 hours of philosophical lectures? a brief explanation and discussion of how one scientifc concept is found or invented and how does it evolves? yes i know, boring. i was yawning for 200 times (okay that, im exaggerating ^^ but you get the idea) for that long 3 hours. can't wait to get past epistemology to go to the social applications and ethical issues. much more fun, i hope.

im taking 10 credit hours this sem, or 3 subjects. that boring subject i told you just now, another theoritical subject today (learning theory in physics) and statistics. i really look forward to statistics class on thursday. for today, i just pray hard that it wont get any more boring than yesterday's class. huhu.

got english class with 3e later. really need the emotional strength and patience. T____T

random: did you notice my style of writing changed dramatically (nak jugak guna drama) since my first entry? now i am more serious, no fun, depressed, stressed, dull, that sort of things. i used to be bubbly, you know. fresh, energetic, u can see from my style of writing. now im still a fresh, not so energetic (huahuahua) and bubbly person, but im too stressed to be bubbly all the time. hehe.

tentang syurga

syurga isteri di bawah tapak kaki suami.

betul ke?

saya rasa tak.

pada saya,

syurga isteri adalah suami.

kerana bila saya tengok dia tersenyum, saya bahagia.

kerana bila saya lihat dia berjaya, saya bangga.

because i feel safe when im with him.

kerana dia adalah kebahagiaan saya.

kerana dia adalah kebanggaan saya.

dan kerana dia adalah syurga saya.

...

walau tiada tangan menghulur

kan ku tetap berdiri teguh, ku bangkit semula

Salma - Aku Permata.

dan hati terdetik lagi.

sabarlah yuhaniz.

T________T

terlajak.

sekarang ada projek. bayar hutang pada en. hairuden sebenarnya. oh. en. hairuden tu penolong kanan hem. awal tahun hari tu, yours truly dapat arahan untuk mengemaskini website sekolah.

tapi masalahnya, takde masa untuk itu. sebab, setiap kali terlalu engaged dalam kerja-kerja kreatif komputer, mesti terbawak2 sampai terlajak.

dulu masa buat undergraduate punya final project, stay up sampai pukul 5 pagi nak develop courseware.

masa amek subjek programming, tak bergerak daripada meja sampai la coding selesai.

macam tu jugak masa develop courseware untuk master.

sekarang arahan datang masa betul2 tengah sibuk. mana la boleh tido lewat sekarang. pukul 6 pagi dah nak kena bangun untuk bersiap pergi kerja. petang ada kelas master. mana nak jadi isteri. mana nak jadi cikgu. mana nak jadi pelajar. mana nak jadi guru kelas. mana nak jadi setiausaha peperiksaan dalaman.

jadi naturally, arahan tinggal arahan. kesian en. hairuden.

sekarang website sekolah dah di-divert-kan pada blog rasmi sekolah.

tapi saya rasa berhutang dengan en. hairuden. berhutang tugas.

jadi saya cari platform yang paling mudah untuk bina web, supaya bila saya takde nanti, senang orang lain ambil alih. platform website sekarang susah, malas saya nak explore. lebih mudah untuk saya mula daripada scratch.

maka saya pun memulakan projek ini.

tapi tulah. terbawak2 sampai terlajak.

nasib baik sekarang suami tengok bola. jadi ada la peneman.

oh. sekarang pukul 2.10 pagi. saya lebih selesa buat kerja kreatif pada waktu malam. idea lebih laju.

sebab tu saya kata takde masa untuk website sekolah.

maafkan saya en. hairuden. saya akan sedaya upaya siapkan sebelum cuti sekolah akhir tahun.

berusaha yuhaniz.

saya nak yang ni.

tapi saya baru beli fon.

dan harganya sangat mahal juga.

lebih mahal dari fon sekarang.

tapi saya suka.

takpelah.

lagi 3 tahun boleh beli. *kenapa 3 tahun? sendiri musykil.

sekarang berangan je lah.

*ke ada orang nak belikan untuk saya?

hee.

assalamualaikum.

*pic credit to google*

some thoughts.

going through all my blog entries again, i realize that i blogged more in 2009 than in 2008, 2010 and 2011 put together.

perlu lebih gigih ya yuhaniz.

assalamualaikum.

suddenly...

i dont feel interested in teaching anymore. everyday is just another day to me. i prefer my s/u peperiksaan thingy more than my teaching thingy.

and i know, this is not because i lost interest in teaching. i love teaching.

this is because my heart cant take it anymore. my mind cant take this anymore.

teaching language.

i dont feel challenged. my days are dull. im not really good in english, but english is something that i dont have to study to be able to teach. and i was born a student. i love studying. i love staying up until 3am, solving complicated physics questions and answering hard mathematical problems. i love finding the easiest way to explain a hard physics concept to students so that they will understand it easier.

i miss calculations.

and im bored. to the point that i make the effort to fill in jobstreets to find some other jobs.

i cant take this anymore. ive been trying for almost two years now. but im a science person. im a fact person. im not a language person.

ya Allah, help me out...........

So how much does a miracle cost?

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door. She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. "I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."

''I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

"His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough,I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

"I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. "I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

"How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.

"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly. And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents --- the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said, "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well. Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.

"That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"

Tess smiled.. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents ..... plus the faith of a little child..

I will watch over you.

A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.

When broken bodies lay about
And blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out eulogies,
For death was in the air.

A mother, trapped inside her car,
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
Oh, God, please spare my boys!"

She fought to loose her pinned hands;
She struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.

Her frightened eyes then focused
On where the back seat once had been,
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.

Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
She did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
Oh, God, don't let them die!"

Then firemen came and cut her loose,
But when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys,
But the seat belts were intact.

They thought the woman had gone mad
And was travelling alone,
But when they turned to question her,
They discovered she was gone.

Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication,
Please help me find my boys!

They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
Their jeans are blue to match."
One cop spoke up, "They're in my car,
And they don't have a scratch.

They said their daddy put them there
And gave them each a cone,
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.

I've searched the area high and low,
But I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene,
I guess, and that is very bad."

The mother hugged the twins and said,
While wiping at a tear,
He could not flee the scene, you see,
For he's been dead a year."

The cop just looked confused and asked,
Now, how can that be true?"
The boys said, "Mommy, Daddy came
And left a kiss for you."

He told us not to worry
And that you would be all right,
And then he put us in this car with
The pretty, flashing light.

We wanted him to stay with us,
Because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
And said he had to go.

He said someday we'd understand
And told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you, Mommy,
He's watching over us."

The mother knew without a doubt.
That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words,
I will watch over you."

The firemen's notes could not explain
The twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.

But on the cop's report was scribed,
In print so very fine,
An angel walked the beat tonight
on Hwy. 109

.

can i not go to school tomorrow?

please?

....

T_________T

...

tiba-tiba rasa sangat rindu pada maktok tak sedar air mata mengalir.

maktok. anis rindu.

semoga maktok aman di sana.

alfatihah.

entry makanan di bulan puasa.

assalamualaikum.

setelah sekian lama tak update, hari ni nak tulis pasal makanan.

boleh dikatakan sepanjang puasa hampir hari-hari masak untuk buka puasa. sebab rasa macam tak lalu nak makan makanan yang beli kat bazar, plus boyfren pun lebih prefer makan masakan rumah. macam-macam menu dah rasanya, tapi memang confirm2 la yang simple, mana la kita pandai masak nasi beriyani bagai kan. tapi cuma 3 gambar ni je yang sempat diambil, sebab selalunya siap masak dah pukul 7.00 lepas tu sibuk nak hidang nak mandi nak buka memang tak sempat la nak ambil gambar. so there you go.

ini oreo cheesecake. buat hari sabtu lepas dgn my sister in law. boleh la. rase la cheese cake. untuk first attempt, boyfren kita bagi 75%. hehe.

ini lauk berbuka semalam. ayam masak lemak cili api ( boyfren request dpd hari jumaat hari tu), bendi goreng cili api, dengan sambal telur puyuh. terus sampai ke sahur. malas masak banyak kali.

yang ni bila punya ntah hari tu. dalam minggu lepas la. saja gatal nak buka puasa western. jadik la jugak.... chicken chop dgn black pepper sauce, with chips, coleslaw and scrambled eggs. scrambled eggs tu takde dalam plan pun, sebenarnya lebihan celup ayam sebelum goreng tu. sayang nak buang. buat la scrambled eggs.

hari ni tatau nak masak apa.

okeh tu je. sekian.